***DISCLAIMER***: It's been a while, but last night

inspired me to do the only thing WWE seems to be worthy of now a days, mock it. This is strictly a parody, nothing more, and everything less. To save myself from any legal action, its all fake, untrue, fictitious, unreal, essentially impossible to believe, in other words, right up Brian Gerwitz's alley, any questions, comments or Gail Kim photos can be sent to crcito@hotmail.com enjoy...

WWE SUPERSTAR FLEES
Hot off the AP Wire (Associated Parodies)

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana (AP) - Troubled youth turned wrestler Glenn "Kane" Jacobs is currently fleeing from authorities although they are not in pursuit of the WWE superstar after setting WWE play by play announcer Jim "JR" Ross on fire last night at a live event at the Canseco Fieldhouse. In a case of art imitating life, as is common in the world of pro wrestling, World Wrestling Entertainment superstar Kane (Jacobs) has begun to believe his own on air character.

The character is that of a young man who lost his parents in a fire, and nearly his own life when his older brother Mark "Undertaker" Calloway set the house a blaze murdering both parents and almost killing young Kane. For years Calloway was under the impression that his brother was killed in the fire as well, until a few years ago at a WWE PPV event (WWF at the time) when Callaway's wrestling manager and former mortician Paul Bearer revealed Kane was alive unleashing Kane's wrath on Calloway's wrestling character of "The Undertaker". Just a side note, it was later revealed that Bearer was Kane's father after having an affair with Kane and Undertaker's mother. Yeah, I know.

The Indianapolis police chief issued the following statement last night following reports that Jacobs was fleeing from authorities.

"The Indianapolis police department is in no way pursuing the capture of Glenn Jacobs. We are not looking for felony assault, attempted murder, or arson charges on Mr. Jacobs. You don't have to run sir, we are not trying to apprehend you."

Later on that night Jacobs called authorities and made the following statement:

"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG!"

To which the police chief responded, "I know." 

Jacobs went on to rant ~ "STOP MAKIN FUN OF ME!" and hung up the phone.

Jacobs apparently refuses to walk around off camera without a black towel on his head claiming everyone is laughing at him. Those backstage at WWE are finding it harder and harder to work with the once pleasant Jacobs who's been known to mutter things to himself backstage like

"A F***ING DENTIST!"

Those close to Jacobs feel the stress of having to take part in some of the most ridiculous angles in pro wrestling history has taken its toll.

It's recently been revealed that Kane, thought to be horribly disfigured from the fire as a child, so much so that he donned a mask for his entire life to shield himself from public ridicule, was actually scar free and suffering from a psychiatric disorder where he believes he's horrible disfigured when he isn't. Despite doctors telling Kane he was fine and had no scars on his face, he sought a second opinion.

He's also been found by friends and co workers curled up crying in a corner sobbing things like "I'm so sorry Katie" referring to Kane's high school girlfriend Katherine Vick who he nearly date raped and wound up killing in a car wreck he luckily survived. As was the case with his fire, he escaped not only alive, but unscarred. Jacobs, apparently loaded with Vitamins K & E has fallen into a state many pro wrestlers suffer from, called "living your gimmick". A side note to that story, apparently Kane was accused of having sex with her dead body. Yeah, yeah, I know.

Fellow WWE Superstar Paul Levesque aka The Lord Almighty Jes.. or as some call him, Hunter Hearst Helmsley, was a part of this Katie Vick story line with Jacobs and had this to say

"You see me hump that manikin? Funny stuff right . . ."

To which several reporters replied in unison "NO!" Levesque vowed that none of the reporters would ever work for WWE's Raw Magazine, to which they again replied in unison "GOOD".

Jacobs also recently apologized to Mark "Undertaker" Calloway for chokeslamming him onto their dead mother's casket during a live broadcast of Monday Night Raw years ago. Calloway responded with

"Glenn, we're not really brothers, that wasn't our mother, it was a TV storyline. . ."

Jacobs could only say "Will you ever forgive me?"

We reached Calloway for comment.

"Glenn's a good guy, but this is sad, I mean I may not be the right guy to talk to, I actually believe I could've competed in the UFC."

The final comment the Indianapolis Police Chief made was:

"This is stupid, I'm going home."

At last word Jacobs was seen at an Indiana rest stop beating a man up in the rest room for apparently laughing at him and saying to him, "No wonder Katie didn't even moan!"

Those at WWE are hoping Jacobs returns in time for next week's live event from Los Angeles California, where the LAPD will surely have an interesting approach to the Jacobs situation.

Chris Najdek
AP - Associated Parodies (credit: wrestling observer)

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