THE UNDERTAKER USED to be dead.

Fortunately for wrestling fans, the WWE had ties with Paul Bearer, the only man with the power to bring the Undertaker to the mortal world. The Undertaker was introduced to wrestling audiences at Survivor Series in 1990, and since then has adapted to the world of the living quite well. Since joining us here on the Earth's surface, the Undertaker has discovered his passion for motorcycles, tattoos and the music of Kid Rock and Limp Bizkit. Oh yeah, he also burned down the family mortuary as a child and killed his brother Kane. Or so he thought…

It turned out that Kane had survived the fire, but was horribly disfigured. Actually, it was later revealed that Kane's disfigurations and scarring were purely psychological, which made Kane look rather foolish for wearing a mask for so many years. Boy, was his face red!

Like the Undertaker, Kane was also brought to the WWE by Paul Bearer, but he was initially used to terrorize his brother. His first appearance came at Bad Blood in 1997 as the Undertaker was in a "Hell in the Cell" match against Shawn Michaels for the WWE Championship. Needless to say, the appearance of his dead brother certainly surprised the Undertaker, costing him the match and subsequently the title. Family reunions can be a real bitch. Already well familiar with this concept is the McMahon family. At the last WWE pay-per-view, Vince McMahon choked out his own daughter with a pipe. Vince's son, Shane, has fought with his father on countless occasions, but at the upcoming Survivor Series pay-per-view both Vince and Shane McMahon will have to desperately fight to uphold the McMahon family name.

After defeating his daughter at the last pay-per-view, Vince went on to screw the Undertaker out of the WWE Championship by pushing him off of the top rope while the ref wasn't paying attention. You'd think that these referees would learn to keep their heads in the match by now, but that is a different matter for a different time. Long story short—'Taker feels disrespected by McMahon, and we all know how he hates to be disrespected. So, to even the score once and for all, the Undertaker has challenged the McMahon family patriarch to a "Buried Alive" match. The rules are simple; to win, one man must bury his opponent alive in a grave, conveniently provided by the WWE Department of Mortuary Services.

Also scheduled for Survivor Series is an "Ambulance Match" between Shane McMahon and Kane. As all of you rocket scientists out there may have already guessed, an "Ambulance Match" is won by beating your opponent until he must be taken out in an ambulance. Having seen numerous instances in which a wrestler has been taken from the arena in an ambulance, I must say that I'm not sure that I would trust my health to the ambulance services provided by the WWE. The EMTs and other health-care professionals that often accompany WWE ambulances always appear to be just a few notches below "professional" grade. At times they almost seem to be more like actors than doctors, but I'm sure that this is only due to the nervousness caused by all of the cameras.

So, when Survivor Series is all said and done, which family will come out on top? Will the McMahons, who always seem to find a way out of tough situations, continue with their winning ways and squash these demonic threats? Or, will Survivor Series just be a Halloween that comes two weeks late—with the undead, freak-family partying like it's 1999? The outcome of this pay-per-view could very well dictate whether the balance between good and evil on this planet will be maintained or shattered to pieces.

It is certainly a sad commentary on current state of affairs when it is two men with the last name of McMahon who represent the hope of humanity in this, man's struggle against the evil and the undead. Vince should be concerned with the amount of experience that the Undertaker has, not just in "Buried Alive" matches, but in all interactions with graves, shovels, caskets and the like. The man has made a living with these props of doom, and Vince is the man who thus far has paid him to do it.

Perhaps in an even worse situation than Vince is Shane, who has to face the prospect of losing not only his match, but also his mind as he tries to navigate through all of the paperwork from his HMO. I wouldn't even know where to begin to deduce what the co-pay is for a ringside ambulance pick-up. While Vince runs the risk of being sent straight to hell, Shane may be facing a hell right here on Earth—one that has broken many stronger men before him. Buried alive or buried in paperwork—either way it's going to be a tough week to be a McMahon.

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